YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE AVOIDING CONFLICT

 

“You spend your life avoiding conflict”

My new therapist has just said

I suppose he has a point, because visiting

War zones fills me with dread

THE ARMY GAME

 

Salute it only if it moves

Pick it up if it doesn't move

If you can't salute it

Or pick it up just paint it

MILITARY LAW # 1

 

There is an old law of combat

If you heed this, you’ll go far

Never ever share a foxhole

With anyone braver than you are

SHIP RAGE

 

The silence of a foggy night in the fall

Was shattered suddenly by a radio call 

“Unknown vessel divert your course please

And steer to the north by fifteen degrees

Recommend you make this correction

That we might avoid a head on collision”

The reply came “Divert YOUR course please

And steer to the south by fifteen degrees

Recommend you make this correction

That we might avoid a head on collision”

“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish

I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”

The Reply came back “No, I say again

You must divert your course you can’t remain”       

This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow

We’re a large warship divert your course now!

“I don’t care whether you are large or small”

 “This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”

BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED

Being from an army family I dreaded

Being invited to the officer’s mess

Because I’d have one too many margarita’s

And it always ends in distress

MILITARY LAW # 2

The buddy system is essential

To surviving in combat

Because it gives the enemy

Somebody else to shoot at

TWO WORLD WAR’S AND ONE WORLD CUP

 

In the First World War

We fought Germany and won

In the Second World War

We fought Germany and won

So why are we messing about

In places like Iraq and Afghanistan

When we could fight Germany again

And continue the way we began

CIVIL DEFENCE

 

What would happen in the unhappy event?

Of a nuclear attack that we cannot prevent

Just put you head in between knee and thigh

Pucker up and then kiss your arse goodbye

BANG YOUR DEAD

A nuclear war, can they say

Ruin your whole bloody day

For in any atomic hostility

All men are cremated equally

AT THE PROMOTIONS BOARD

 

A Squadron Leader is up for promotion

And a board is held in order to be fare

The S.L. must answer three questions

To ascertain if he has the right flare

The chairman to put him at his ease

Directs him to be seated in a chair

“What do you call the gas we breathe”

The squadron leader answered “air”

“What is it that grows on your head”

The squadron leader answered “hair”

“What is the name for an animals’ den”

The squadron leader answered “lair”

“Well done now just one final test

But you can still fail so take care

We are looking for a short phrase

Which will open any door you care

Arrange your previous answers to

Make the phrase to get you there”

The Squadron Leader briefly thought

Then confidently said, “air hair lair”

HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON

I think war is probably God's way

Of teaching us all a lesson I’d say

But it won’t be a lesson in theology

It’s more likely a to be in geography

SHIP RAGE

 

The silence of a foggy night in the fall

Was shattered suddenly by a radio call 

“Unknown vessel divert your course please

And steer to the north by fifteen degrees

Recommend you make this correction

That we might avoid a head on collision”

The reply came “Divert YOUR course please

And steer to the south by fifteen degrees

Recommend you make this correction

That we might avoid a head on collision”

“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish

I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”

The Reply came back “No, I say again

You must divert you course you can’t remain”       

This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow

We’re a large warship divert your course now!

“I don’t care whether you are large or small”

“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”

MILITARY LAW # 2

 

The buddy system is essential

To surviving in combat

Because it gives the enemy

Somebody else to shoot at